This article is part of a series exploring human emotion at work. If you are new here you can read about the motivation for the series by following this link.
The two young engineers trembled as the message appeared across their screens. They had never seen him lash out and it frightened them. Was he the person they thought he was all this time? Had he only now revealed his true colors? They couldn’t be sure but in that moment everything changed.
When a manager grants his direct reports a generous privilege it can be a shocking and devastating feeling to watch them take advantage of the kindness. A myriad of emotions will suddenly rush upon him as he finds himself mentally unprepared for what turns out to be a fairly typical behavior. Much as children will test the waters with their parents, a team will push the boundaries their leader imposes.
I was not prepared for this situation at the time and the consequences of my actions would cause lasting damage. Let’s start with the background context and where I went wrong.
I created a policy for my team that gave them a work from home flexibility no one else in the company had. It was controversial at the time because the executive team opposed it but I believed their position was ill-conceived and forged ahead without their blessing, albeit discreetly. This act of defiance, however, was not my mistake.
One morning two of my direct reports violated the policy. I was outraged for a few reasons:
Their cavalier attitude left me feeling disrespected.
They were setting a bad example for the rest of the team.
I had carefully constructed the policy to protect us from being exposed to the wrath of the executive leadership. They were jeopardizing the privilege for the entire team.
That third point triggered my fear instinct and I felt the need to make an example out of the situation so as to dissuade similar attempts in the future. I acted swiftly and with a firm authoritative punishment. While at the time I believed my reaction was necessary and justified, as I look back I can admit that I overreacted.
This regrettable behavior, however, was not my mistake. The error occurred beforehand and has only recently become apparent. There are three levels of exploration I’ve had to dig my way through in order to isolate the true culprit of what triggered me that day.
The first step was recognizing that I felt disrespected and in turn became angry.
Next, I realized that the stronger emotion I was responding to was fear. Fear that the actions of my subordinates would get me into trouble with my superiors.
Finally, after much reflection, I realized the true source of the fear was deeper.
Their behavior made me feel like they did not care about me.
This was the initial trigger that set me down a path of self doubt that ended with a confused emotional reaction. If you’ve read my previous article about Impostor Syndrome you can probably put the pieces together and understand the origin of my insecurity. I made a few mistakes that day but the most severe would only come to my attention several months later when one of the engineers candidly explained it to me.
They looked up to me as their leader and I let them down. In attempting to command their respect I revealed my insecurities and showed them that I did not know the way.
I inflicted damage on the relationships with my direct reports that day. I never apologized and therefore I can’t imagine they ever forgave me. Perhaps they shrugged it or off or gave me the benefit of the doubt but in any case, I lost a portion of their respect that day.
Lessons learned:
Anger is usually a signal of a deeper problem. For me it was the fear of being undervalued and disliked.
Forcing someone to follow your instructions does not mean they respect you.
As a leader, you cannot lose your cool. Even when things go wrong, and your anger is justified, you have to keep it together.
This post is dedicated to the young engineer who was courageous enough to explain to me where I went wrong and the damage it caused. I have been inspired since that day to be a better leader and treat the people around me with greater respect. I will likely make the mistake again of projecting my fears on others but I hope to catch myself in the act and remedy the situation immediately.
If you are a leader of people and ever find yourself angered by their behavior I hope that you are reminded of this story. Consider examining your emotional response to see what insecurity they may have triggered. If you are lucky, you may expose the culprit and compose yourself before lashing out in a regrettable way. Best of luck!
Thank you for reading :)
Bryan
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The Real Trigger