This article is part of a series exploring human emotion at work. If you are new here you can read about the motivation for the series by following this link.
You could not cut the tension with a knife without snapping the blade and twisting your wrist. It sucked the air out of the room and left the spectators scrambling to breathe. The arrogant CEO sat frozen with an unfamiliar look of humiliation covering his face. The audacity of this ungrateful, unappreciative and unbelievable little runt was unforgivable. When the shock faded did he really think he would get away with this?
When a CEO questions your underperformance during a staff meeting you should pause to consider whether that is the appropriate time to deliver a harsh truth. Unfortunately, I had not given the consequences of my response much consideration before blurting out what I realize now was a disrespectful answer to a reasonable question. “Lack of motivation” is all I could say when asked why I had posted such disappointing numbers in the prior week.
The truth is that I failed on purpose. I knew exactly what would get his attention and I was looking for a confrontation. In the weeks leading up to this meeting I felt abandoned, forgotten and hopeless. They had given me no resources, no guidance and still managed to set unrealistic expectations for what I should be able to achieve. Have you ever felt like the game was rigged and you were being set up to fail?
I had convinced myself that I was completely justified in my anger and therefore had a responsibility to give them a piece of my mind. They treated me unfairly and deserved to feel the pain I was feeling. This was my mistake.
Just because my anger was justified doesn’t mean acting on it was.
I treated the two as one and the same when in fact they required separate consideration. Was my anger valid? It sure was. They had failed me and the emotional response within me made complete sense. Was my reaction valid? The answer to that question is not as important as the recognition that it needs to be asked. There needs to be a moment given to the consideration of acting on the anger before it is acted on.
Lessons learned:
Anger is valid but using it to justify actions is not.
My mind will conflate valid emotion with valid action.
I need to take a moment to consider the validity of my intended action separate from my emotion.
As much as I wanted to believe that my outburst in the conference room was for them, it wasn’t. It was for me. I was feeling pain and wanted to transfer that to them. However, like hurling an insult at a loved one during a fight the relief is temporary and the regret long lasting.
I look back at myself in that moment and wish I had chosen another path. I am embarrassed by my behavior and saddened to think that all I accomplished was making other people feel bad. It is not the words I spoke that trouble me the most. It is the attitude and intention I carried that day. I wanted to hurt them.
However, I don’t regret it. It would be dishonest to scoff at my younger self and claim that taking the higher road would have been easy. I did my best in the moment with the knowledge I had. Thankfully, today I have more knowledge. That experience now serves as a tool for enabling me to behave in ways that will make my future self proud.
The most important thing for me to remember is that I need to take a moment between being angry and lashing out to consider the consequences and if the short term gratification is worth it. This has also led me to more closely examine the motivation for my actions in moments where I am upset.
When I catch myself planning an action that I justify because someone has upset me I am usually wrong.
It’s important to note that feelings are always valid. The actions in response to them are what I’d like us to all spend more time contemplating.
I’ll leave you with a brief exercise. Can you recall a time when your emotion was valid but the way you acted on it was not? How did that work out for you? What might you have done differently to create a better long term outcome?
Thanks for reading :)
Bryan
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Lack of Motivation