This article is part of a series exploring human emotion at work. If you are new here you can read about the motivation for the series by following this link.
The hour hand on my watch confirmed what my gut had been warning of. While I was trapped in an inconsequential meeting, that took us in circles, I witnessed the office clear out for the day. By the time I made my way down the elevator I could feel a crushing weight pulling my shoulders towards the floor. As I walked the busy streets packed with rush hour traffic I swayed and nearly stumbled into an oncoming vehicle. My mind disconnected from my body leaving me in autopilot for the remainder of the journey home.
When you work for an early stage technology startup it is not uncommon to stay at the office late into the evening. There is always too much work and not enough time to get everything done. I was used to this pattern and didn’t find it to be problematic. In fact, I took pride in having a job that required so much of me. It made me feel important and valuable.
There was something different about this particular night. The physiological response I experienced was uncharacteristic and it frightened me. A more familiar reaction would have been anger and possibly losing my temper. Yet, my blood felt cool and my heartbeat remained steady. There was no spike in adrenaline or rush of fury. Instead, I entered into a subdued, almost apathetic, state of mind.
There are two remarkable components of my reaction that are worth exploring. First, why was I triggered at all by this seemingly common occurrence? Second, what could explain my atypical emotional response?
There is an obvious but incorrect answer to the first question. This particular evening happened to be my birthday and the late meeting at the office jeopardized my dinner plans. Anger is a reasonable and expected reaction to this but that is not what occurred.
My unusual response signaled a deeper shift in my state of mind. Had this been a random stress inducing event I would have experienced a temporary heightened emotional state and then returned to my normal baseline. The real issue was not that my birthday plans were ruined.
The issue was that I was burned out and this happened to be the event that broke me.
For several months leading up to this I had shrugged off similar occurrences because I did not believe they were negatively impacting me. The problem with this thinking is that it is actually correct in the short term but absolutely wrong long term. The instinct to disregard seemingly minor issues is a failure to recognize the impact they have over a long period of time. My mind was tired and it gave up.
Many of us live in a world that rarely loosens its grip on our self worth. We struggle to maintain a belief in ourselves that we are strong and worthy. This leads us to discount emotions that make us feel weak and reduce harmful events to inconsequential anomalies. We think or say things like:
It is no big deal.
I’m being silly.
I will get over it.
You are stronger than the minor disturbances that challenge your course but you should:
Start sweating the small stuff so they don’t turn into a monster.
Lessons learned:
The mind gets tired the same way any muscle does.
Small stressors will compound over time and eventually blow up.
Don’t wait for a fire to address an issue related to mental well being.
The very next time you feel stressed out or overwhelmed at work take the time to explore it regardless of how insignificant you think it may be. Write about it, vent to a friend or at the very least verbalize the emotion you are experiencing. It is crucial to acknowledge these tiny moments as they occur otherwise they will build up and, eventually, blow up.
Your feelings are valid and they do not make you weak.
Thank you for reading :)
Bryan
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Burned out