This article is part of a series exploring human emotion at work. If you are new here you can read about the motivation for the series by following this link.
She leaned across the desk and said,
“I want you to tell me the truth. Don’t sugarcoat it.”
Oh the things I could tell her. But she has only just arrived and I don’t know her motives. Will she turn them against me? Does she think I am part of the problem? Is the kind woman with the photos of children on her desk trying to trap me?
I went with my gut that day and told her everything on my mind. It was risky to share so much with a person whom I just met and one whom wielded complete control of my destiny. The moment the words came out I immediately regretted the comments about her predecessor and the state of affairs she was walking in to. One rarely looks good when speaking poorly of others and I undoubtedly stumbled my way through the explanation.
I agonized for days following the meeting as I waited to see how the words I spoke would be used against me. My gut turned from a hopeful optimist to a screaming cynic incessantly reminding me of all the ways this could backfire. When you decide to trust someone and share information that puts you in a vulnerable position it can feel like you have placed your life in their hands. How do you decide who you can trust?
The little voice whispering from the shadows has always been one I’ve paid attention to. At various points in my life I have called it by different names: following my heart, listening to my gut, trusting my intuition, relying on my instincts. These descriptions are different flavors of the same internal force that drives much of my decision making. This has been an especially helpful guide in moments where I am analyzing a person and attempting to determine if they are a danger to me.
In this particular case of character assessment I appeared to have made the right decision. Several weeks had passed from our initial meeting and the devastating blow looming over me never came. In fact, my early honesty seemed to have landed me in good favor with the woman who had since been elevated into a powerful position within the company. By communicating my displeasure with the previous leadership I suspect I came across as a potential ally that could help her become more popular with the remaining legacy team.
If my gut had steered me in the right direction that first day then why was I still unable to shake the uneasy feeling that all was not well? This woman had an admirable character and strong moral compass therefore she was deserving of my trust. Unfortunately, I was operating on too short of a time horizon and the day I feared would come well after I became so comfortable that it took me by complete surprise. It wasn’t until years later that I realize the mistake I made during that initial assessment.
I evaluated the person independent of her situation.
Was this woman a good person who treated people fairly? Yes, I saw repeated occurrences of this. But she also had competing priorities that were constantly changing and that I couldn’t possibly be aware of. She had a family to support and an executive leadership team constantly pressing her for more. When the stars aligned for her to capitalize on an important opportunity it did not matter that I was in the way.
It would be insincere for me to present her as being ruthless or claim that her later actions betrayed my initial view of her strong character. Instead, I appreciate that she was simply operating within a system. A system that has rules. A system that has winners and losers. I wouldn’t fault a single person for choosing the path she decided to follow. It was not personal and if she could I suspect she would have treated me differently.
Lessons learned:
It is important to differentiate between the person and the system they are operating in when deciding whether or not to trust someone you work with.
Evaluating a person’s incentives is more predictive of their future behavior than their character.
At the end of the day, no one is more concerned with your career than you.
I began this post with the intention of convincing you that it is good to trust people and show you how to do it. The truth is that trust is complicated and there is no procedure to follow that will guarantee you make the right decision every time.
However, it is important to find people you can trust because it is from a place of vulnerability that you will discover your best ideas. I caution you to be careful though in your assessment and make sure to consider the person’s environment beyond their character. Sometimes good people do bad things when they are backed up against a wall.
Thanks for reading :)
Bryan
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Trust