This article is part of a series exploring human emotion at work. If you are new here you can read about the motivation for the series by following this link.
A look of suspicion emerged on his face as I excused myself to the bathroom for the third time in under an hour. As I frantically typed the unfamiliar terms into my phone a cloud of shame drew over me. Why did he hire me? I don’t know anything. Surely he will realize his mistake and fire me before I get through my first day.
It has been ten years since my days of google searches in the bathroom but I haven’t been able to escape that little voice telling me I don’t belong. Hurling accusations of being unqualified, underprepared and unimpressive - this voice is my own. Where did it come from? Who gave it permission to control me? Why is it so mean?
The self doubt and discouragement in my mind on that day is my version of impostor syndrome. This is a term that comes up in nearly every conversation I have with people about job related anxiety. Your impostor syndrome may look different from mine but we all experience a form of self doubt.
As you read the following story think about how my experience mirrors your own and what you can take away from my process. The steps I lay out are meant to provide you with the context for my personal journey but you may decide to adopt them for your own self exploration.
Step 1: I brought to mind a memory of a time I experienced impostor syndrome. I chose to avoid traumatic memories and selected one that required little effort to summon.
Recall the opening passage with the scared young man retreating to the bathroom. The memory gives me chills and the thought of returning to that dark place makes me nervous. Why has this particular moment stuck with me for so long? What might I learn by reliving it?
“I don’t know anything”
This thought echoed in my mind that day like a chorus chanting inside of me. A chorus that has often visited me since in moments of self doubt. A chorus happily reminding me that I am surrounded by people smarter and more talented than I could ever be. A powerful and booming voice that demands my attention.
Step 2: I replayed the experience with as much detail as possible. I did this a few times as if I was watching a short clip of a film on repeat. I tried to be objective and to see all that was there.
My mind takes me back to that day and I see myself frozen, unable to answer his questions. I see his judging eyes once more as I pull away from the desk. We are in a front room with large windows that allow the sun to pour in. The color of the walls are white and the carpet below my feet is gray. I am now in the bathroom and it reminds me of one I may find in a doctor’s office. Sterile and cold; I find myself shivering as I think about it.
Step 3: As I came to the moment where self doubt was highest, I looked beyond the surface to see if there was anything that may have escaped my first glance.
“I don’t know anything”
As I reflect, I notice something peculiar. There is another voice speaking. Its tone is much softer and less forceful. There is a quiet confidence to its suggestive nature. It does not need volume to demonstrate its power.
“You don’t know anything. You are not good enough.”
Step 4: I braced myself. I just exposed something that has been hiding in a dark corner of my mind for many years. Processing this discovery may be bumpy and emotional.
Tears begin to slowly roll down my cheeks as I realize what has happened. It is not a chorus chanting but a conversation between two parties. The first begins by telling me I am not good enough. My voice then responds in the first person. The first voice then nods approvingly. It likes what it has heard. It looks like this.
First Voice: “You don’t know anything”
Second Voice: “I don’t know anything”
First Voice: “That’s right”
I know what you may be thinking; not one but two voices in his head. It certainly is not what I expected to find but there it is. A voice talking down to me that is not my own. It crept its way into my mind and convinced me that I created those thoughts. I realize now that their origin lies outside of me.
Step 5: I looked for the origin of the stranger’s voice that has infiltrated my thoughts. I noticed everything I could about that voice in that moment and then looked to the past to see where it came from.
An eerie feeling begins to make its way across my body. I believe I know where that voice came from but I am reluctant to shine a light on it. Giving it attention may strengthen its influence but I must confront it to move past it. A few deep breaths gives me the moment of courage I need to take the first step.
In the months before my second birthday I would spend days with a babysitter while my mother was at work. I do not have memories from this period but my mother tells me of a strange habit I developed around that time. I would walk around our house repeating the phrase,
“I’m a bad boy. I’m a bad boy. I’m a bad boy.”
We can never be certain of this but my mother is convinced that the babysitter put this thought into my head by repeating the phrase to me. As it so happens, this mental scar is not the only mark she left but that is a story for another time.
Step 6: I accepted my discovery.
It is my strong sense that it is the babysitter’s voice I have internalized. As much pain as it has caused I must admit that this voice has helped me. I grit my teeth with anger as I unwillingly express my gratitude. Without it I may not have become the man who writes these words today. A man I love and who I am proud of. This voice served me once but I no longer benefit from its relentless ridicule.
Step 7: I reframed the memory.
Let’s return to the young man in the bathroom but play out a different dialogue between the voices.
First Voice: “You don’t know anything”
Second Voice: “That’s not true. I don’t know everything but there is plenty I do know and more importantly opportunity for me to learn.”
Step 8: I identified the part of this exercise that will help me overcome future self doubt.
The key here is not controlling the first voice. It will be there no matter what. The transformation is in the reaction. You may or may not have voices in your head but there will always be voices pushing unsavory sentiment your way.
This voice may be your own, it may be your parents, your significant other, a manager or a colleague. You cannot eliminate this voice but you can change how you react to it. You can choose not to seek its validation. You can recognize that the message this voice is delivering may be a clumsy and misguided attempt at helping you. You can accept it and reframe it for your benefit.
Step 9: I took a moment to personalize impostor syndrome. Everyone has their own interpretation. What is mine?
For me, the difference between feeling like an impostor and not is whether I allow that first voice to influence the second. Whether I choose to believe that first voice and adopt its assessment as my own. It is entirely dependent on my reaction rather than external factors. It is not those around me making me feel like an impostor, it is an internal message and one I can now disregard.
Step 10: I shared my story.
This has been an uncomfortable and emotional discovery for me but I now feel that a weight has been lifted. I began with the belief that I think poorly of myself and therefore am undeserving. As I peeled back the layers I uncovered a past experience that has quietly influenced my thinking for decades.
However, my greatest realization has been that I have given this voice permission to control me. It is time to take back control. It is time to tell that little boy he is good enough and always has been.
I hope my story and exploration has helped you in some way. I encourage you to look for those voices hiding in the shadows and take back control. You can’t silence them but you can dismiss them. You can follow the steps I took or perhaps begin with the question,
Where do the negative thoughts in my head come from?
If you have something to add or share we would love to hear from you in the comment section below.
Thank you for reading :)
- Bryan
If you enjoyed this post please share it widely and make sure you subscribe to get my next article.
Research on Impostor Syndrome:
The Imposter Phenomenon in High Achieving Women: Dynamics and Therapeutic Intervention
The introduction of Impostor Phenomenon in 1978. The authors originally believed that women were uniquely affected by impostor syndrome.Source: Psychotherapy Theory, Research and Practice Volume 15, #3, Fall 1978
Author(s): Pauline Rose Clance & Suzanne ImesA review of the original research on Impostor Phenomenon 15 years after the original publication.
Source: Psychotherapy Volume 30/Fall 1993/Number 3
Author(s): Joe Langford & Pauline Rose ClanceThis article reviews definitions and characteristics of trait Impostorism, some antecedents, such as personality and family achievement environment and psychological distress as a consequence of Impostorism.
Source: The Journal of Behavioral Science
Author(s): Jaruwan SakulkuThe Clance IP (Impostor Phenomenon) Scale
This test tells you where you rank on the Impostor scale. I scored a 70 😬
Source: paulineroseclance.com
Author(s): Pauline Rose ClanceA 2008 article describing how to recognize Impostor Syndrome and what can you do to mitigate its negative effects.
Source: Harvard Business Review
Author(s): Gill Corkindale
The Impostor's New Clothes